Psychology says people who ask ‘how can I learn to be more empathetic’ already possess the one trait that matters most — self-awareness — while people who claim they’re already empathetic rarely are

March 31, 2026 - 08:04

A woman named Rachel sat across from me at a coffee shop on Amsterdam Avenue last winter, stirring her oat milk latte with a wooden stick she’d already used. Our conversation turned to a difficult colleague. "I just don't think he has any empathy," she sighed, a statement she delivered with absolute certainty.

This common scenario highlights a fascinating psychological insight. Experts suggest that individuals who openly question, "How can I learn to be more empathetic?" are already demonstrating the foundational trait required for it: self-awareness. This introspection acknowledges that empathy is not a fixed state but a skill to be cultivated. It requires a humility to recognize one's own emotional blind spots and a genuine curiosity about the inner lives of others.

Conversely, those who readily proclaim their own high empathy often lack this crucial self-reflection. The very act of declaring oneself empathetic can signal a lack of nuanced understanding of the concept. True empathy involves active listening, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation—complex processes that are never fully mastered. The journey begins not with a declaration of arrival, but with the simple, self-aware question of how to begin. This subtle distinction reveals that the path to genuine connection starts with looking inward before attempting to understand others.